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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 10.05.19 06:29z 232 Lines 6093 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 1341_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 10/5
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<UA6ADV<I0OJJ<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<PY2BIL<GB7YEW
Sent: 190510/0616Z @:GB7YEW..#79.GBR.EU #:1341 LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
A wind from the west means weather's fair. A wind from the east, foul
weather's near
---
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this
is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the
world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man calling him an idiot. So he says
that he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus
can't play.
A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than
Jimi Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the £50.
Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the
trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up the £50.
Then Jim a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles
with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.
Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says"Play it? I'm going to make love to it as
soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
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Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip the
pilot said the plane could only take four moose.
The two lads objected strongly. Last year we shot six and the pilot let
us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. however even with
full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few
moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreckage Paddy asked Seamus "Any idea where we are?"
"BejasusI tink we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked. Soft music was playing
and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress" she explained. "It excites him to
no end. Every time he sees me in this dress he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed showered put on
her best perfume dimmed the lights put on a romantic CD and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing" he said. "What's for dinner?"
His funeral will be held next Thursday
--------------
We are in DEEP trouble...
The population of this country is approximately 60 million.
32 million are retired.
That leaves 28 million to do the work.
There are 17 million in school or at Universities.
Which leaves 11 million to do the work.
Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.
Leaving 3 million to do the work.
1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
Osama Bin-Laden and fighting in Afghanistan .
Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local
County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 488000 people in hospitals or claiming
Invalidity Benefit.
Leaving 512000 to do the work.
Nowthere are 511998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your arse at your computer reading jokes.
Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed
out through trying to cope on my own?
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Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins
On the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will
mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
members of the family and social circle have been
known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial
wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for
the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
Around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about
penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people
-------
CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ..
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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