| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 09.05.19 05:56z 311 Lines 8384 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 1273_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 9/5
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<WA7V<N1URO<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 190509/0545Z 1273@GB7YEW..#79.GBR.EU LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Come rain come shine
----
Rabbit
------
If a rabbit is raised indoors, would it be an ingrown hare?
Attending Church
----------------
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the
church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was
transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied...
"I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."
-----------
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and
said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building
Regulations Approval.
I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler
system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for
building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even
though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing
of it.
Getting the wood was another problem.
All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a
Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted
owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the
owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental
impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building
experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The British Government is already in the process of
doing it."
-----------
Notice to the exchequer
Please find below some suggestions for fixing Britain's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on
lavish parties and unearned bonuses,
use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 20 million people over 50 in the work force. -
Pay them £1 million a piece severance for early retirement with the following
stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Twenty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new British CAR. Twenty million cars ordered - Auto
Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis
fixed.
4) They must send their kids to school / college /university - Crime rate fixed
5) They must buy £50 of alcohol / tobacco a week there's your money back
in duty / tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
-------------
A salesman breaks down in a remote country lane. A farmer in the
adjacent park comes over and they discover that they are “Brothers”.
The salesman is concerned as he has an important appointment in
the local town. “
don't worry” says the farmer, “you can use my car, I will call a friend
and get the car repaired whilst you are at your appointment”.
Off goes the salesman and a couple of hours later he returns but
unfortunately the car is awaiting a part that won't arrive until the morning.
“Its not a problem,” says the farmer, “use my phone and reschedule
your first appointment tomorrow, stay with us tonight and I'll see that
the car is done first thing!”
The farmers wife prepares a wonderful meal and they share a glass of
fine single malt during an excellent evening.
The salesman sleeps soundly and when he awakes his car is repaired
and ready to go.
After a full breakfast, the salesman thanks them both for their hospitali
ty.
As he and the farmer walks to his car he turns and asks,
“my Brother, thank you so much but I have to ask, did you help me
because I'm a Mason?”
“No” replied the farmer, “I helped you because I am a Mason.”
------------------
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'
'FINE!'
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'
'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'
'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I
HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M
GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'
SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF H OURS................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN
ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD
TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A
CAKE.'
HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'
SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'
----------------
ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be
an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'4 months vacation and five good leads.'
.............................
Tiny sexual bit
Paddy says to his mate
"I've been taking steroids and I have grown a second willy!
His mate says "Anabolic ?
Paddy says "no, just a willy"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
