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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 08.05.19 05:40z 310 Lines 7480 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 1223_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 8/5
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<OZ5BBS<CX2SA<F4DUR<
LU4ECL<ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 190508/0528Z 1223@GB7YEW..#79.GBR.EU LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Who doffs his coat on a winter day will gladly put it on in May
---------
You've Got Bottle
-----------------
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in
the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand
with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork
and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it
necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
Anchorwoman
-----------
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."
- Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
--------
This is one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
............................
So, here's the story. . .
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage,
a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a
large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary,
and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing
out a spouse was £5,000..
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1
as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco
Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department &
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto
the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol'
Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by
the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before
he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
(You're going to hate me for this .... )
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'
Oh, quit groaning!
I don't write this stuff,
I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.
.............................
A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the
children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the
oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the
eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a
pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'
when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I
just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had,
namin' them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not
the whole bunch?'
'I call them by their surnames!'
----------------
Iffy words and sexual conent
Use 'big people' words.......
A group of Kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to
the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby
talk! 'You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. 'I went to visit my
Nana.'
'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. 'I took a ride on a choo choo.'
She said 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big
People' words.'
She then asked little Alec what he had done. 'I read a book,' he replied.
'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
[I love this]
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said, 'Winnie the SHIT.'
---------
Ah, Married Life...
Three women: one engaged, one a mistress & one married, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men...that night, all
three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over
their eyes!!!
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back
home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12cms stilettos & mask. He
saw me & said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you' .. then we
made love, sweet love all night long
The mistress: Ah! Me too...the other night I met my lover in the
office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask
over my eyes and a raincoat & when I opened the raincoat he did not say
anything.....but we had wild sex all night!!!
The married one: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my
mothers for the night. I got myself ready: leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes...my husband comes back from work,
opens the door, slaps me across the bum and says................
'All right Batman, what's for dinner...?'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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