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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 07.05.19 06:13z 227 Lines 5309 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 1171_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 7/5
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<EA2RCF<LU9DCE<LU3WAM<GB7YEW
Sent: 190507/0607Z 1171@GB7YEW..#79.GBR.EU LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
It never rains, but it pours
---------
Anyone who's ever ridden in a cab in Washington DC knows they're some
of the world's most brazen drivers. Oddly enough though, their current
accident rate isn't all that bad. I asked one of the drivers one day
the reason for that.
"Easy," he said. "all the really bad drivers are dead now."
Angry
-----
An angry person is seldom reasonable. A reasonable person is seldom angry.
Shopping Plan
-------------
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man
shopping with his son.
As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper
conspiratorially to the child;
"You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
HDTV
----
"With high-definition TV everything looks bigger and wider - kind of like
going to your 25th high school reunion."
Two Generals
------------
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.
After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window
seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low voice, "General,
United States Army, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."
After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped
smile, "General, United States Air Force, retired. Married, two sons, both
judges."
After some thought, the fellow in the centre seat decides to introduce
himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant,
United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both
Generals."
Transplants
-----------
Pauly went to see his Doctor and said, "Doc, I just must have a liver
transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant,
and a heart transplant."
"WHAT?" said the doctor. "Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these
transplants."
"Well," explained Pauly, "my boss told me that I needed to get
reorganized."
-----------------
"Painting the Church"
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was
very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often
thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually
the Lutheran Church decided to do a big restoration job on the
outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks,
and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
turpentine.
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job
nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of
thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the
thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear
off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones,
surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the
Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
"Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"
.............................
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in The North Sea
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster !!!
Any Questions ???
NO? I didn't think so!!
--------
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his father
moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs and
rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that
they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.”
Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy
Mom ....”
------
Coarse language
There are two statues in a park;
One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a
single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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