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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 05.05.19 05:22z 391 Lines 13951 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 1040_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 5/5
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<ED1ZAC<GB7CIP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190505/0514Z 1040@GB7YEW..#79.GBR.EU LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Seagull, Seagull, sit on the sand. It's never good weather while you are on land
====
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at
2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I
know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting
to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices
a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it
up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm,
this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror
and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so
she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
Angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as
she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the
gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ..
I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told
her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The
professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade
was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said,
'That was the decision George Washington had to make
before he crossed the Delaware.'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to
find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned
the police at once and reported the crime. The police
dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a
K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog
on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered
at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on
the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,
'I come Home to find all my possessions stolen. I call
the police for help, and what do they do? They send
me a BLIND policeman!'
-------
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street
when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an
effort to be the one to reach her first, but end
arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering
on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three
suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first
one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in
an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says,
"I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no
imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says
"How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's
just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,
"How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame
and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua .
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden
Retriever and the Lab and says
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
-----------
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police
station
where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most
wanted
criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was
the photo
of a wanted person.
“Yes” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture
him.”
Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?”
________________________________
Coach
-----
Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were having a
pretty good season. One morning he was shaving and the phone rang. His wife
answered it and called out to him that Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to
him.
Coach Morris was excited that his team was apparently about to receive
national recognition in this famous sports magazine. As a matter of fact,
he was so excited that he cut himself with his razor.
Covered with blood and shaving lather and running downstairs to the phone,
he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he made
it to the phone and breathlessly said, "Hello?"
The voice on the other end asked, "Is this Speedy Morris?"
"Yes, yes!" he replied excitedly.
Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just seventy-five cents an
issue, we can give you a one-year subscription to Sports Illustrated."
A Bad Time to Fall Asleep
-------------------------
There were simpler times in the history of telephony, and simpler problems
to deal with.
During the several years I lived in the Hyde Park neighbourhood on the south
side of Chicago during the 1960's, my favourite neighbour was Lauri Fermi,
widow of Enrico Fermi, known for his work on the Atomic Bomb. Mrs. Fermi
and I lived in the same apartment building on East 56th Street, directly
across the street from the Museum of Science and Industry, and we chatted
and dined together frequently.
In the fall of 1965, on the occasion of the twentieth anniversary of the
completion and first testing of the bomb, Mrs. Fermi told a fascinating
story of that summer day, twenty years earlier. Her comments were
tape-recorded, and are transcribed below:
"The testing was of course kept closely under wraps, you know, the
government was awfully sensitive about it. All the papers were giving
reports that a monster-like weapon was in the final testing stages, but
some of the newspaper accounts were ridiculous. Enrico was given his orders
only two days earlier as to exactly where we were to be stationed in the
test zone area. Even the local people in New Mexico were told as little as
possible; I think the governor and some state officials were told, and
sworn to secrecy.
"In Alamogordo, we checked into the hotel then drove out to where Enrico
had been assigned. It was set up that the scientists were deployed over
about a two hundred square mile area; we were about fifteen miles from the
target.
"The test was set for 4:30 AM the next morning, so we returned to the hotel
and went to bed early. We got up at 3 the next morning and drove out to the
location, since it took about an hour to set up the test gear Enrico would
use....I suppose it was about 4:15, when a fierce rain storm developed. It
lasted only five or ten minutes, but was quite a downpour, and Enrico
remarked he hoped nothing would go wrong with the test because of it.
"Well, the time came and went, everything was quiet, no bomb, nothing.
About 4:45, Enrico decided we had better return to town and see what was
what, and we drove back. He wanted to make a phone call and see if the test
had been cancelled or not, and the only place open in town at that time of
night was the hotel where we had stayed. There was a payphone in the lobby,
and Enrico went in the booth, but he didn't get anywhere. I heard him
flashing the hook and swearing softly, then he came out and said he could
not get the operator. (Alamogordo had manual service at that time, just a
small switchboard.)
"We got in the car, and Enrico had me drive while he leaned out the window
and kept looking overhead at the phone wires. He'd have me turn down one
street, then turn back up another street, and finally he said pull the car
over and stop.
"Where we stopped was in front of a house on one of the residential streets
there, but what looked odd to me was on the side of the house, there were
hundreds of wires converging, coming in from a dozen telephone poles which
all seemed to meet in the back yard or on the side of the house. And all
these wires came down out of the sky you might say, and went in the side of
the house in a big bundle.
"The front porch light was burning, and when we went up on the front porch,
the front door was open, but the screen door was latched from the inside. A
radio was playing music very softly, and the room was rather dim with just
a single light burning. A switchboard sat on one side of the room, and the
signal lights on it were flashing off and on like Christmas tree lights.
Over by the other corner was a sofa, and a woman was laying on the sofa,
obviously sound asleep. This was right about five o'clock, I guess, or a
few minutes after.
"Enrico banged on the screen door a few times, then kicked it once or twice
with his foot. All of a sudden, the lady woke up; she looked over at us
very startled, standing at the door; she looked over at the switchboard;
looked back at us; jumped up and rushed over to the board and sat down,
pausing long enough to light a cigarette and she started frantically
answering all the flashing signals.
"We got back in the car, and drove out to where we had been before. We were
there about five minutes, and the test was conducted. Everything the poets
have said about the brilliance and beauty of that first explosion was
true.... later, we got together with the others who had been assigned there
and found out that it wasn't the rain that delayed things; it was that
woman asleep; you see, the main people responsible were linked by phones
through Alamogordo; they had to coordinate what they were doing and
sychronize their work. All of them got the same thing on the phone we got:
no answer from the operator for 45 minutes!
"Really, I can't blame the lady much. The whole summer of 1945 was just
horrid. When we arrived the day before, the temperature was over a hundred;
the poor lady probably couldn't sleep at all that day from the heat, and
still had to go to work that night exhausted. Then the rain cooled things
off twenty degrees in fifteen minutes; that sofa was just too tempting for
her; and probably every other night she only got two or three calls in the
whole eight hour shift....
"No one ever said anything to her or the woman who owned the phone exchange
there, so I suspect to this day, twenty years later, she doesn't realize
she was responsible for causing the first atomic bomb explosion in the
world to be delayed for a little over an hour....but as I think back now,
probably someone should have told her ahead of time about that very special
morning, and sworn her to secrecy until the test was completed.
"When I was there in town two weeks ago for the (twentieth anniversary)
reunion, just from curiosity I went past that house; it took me awhile to
remember where it was. No wires anywhere like before; and I asked someone
there if the phone exchange was there. He told me the 'telephone lady' had
been gone for years; Bell or someone had bought it and moved it to a
building in the downtown area."
Dubya
-----
George W. was terribly depressed after a public opinion poll and
presidential popularity ratings. He got the bright idea of quizzing the
spirit of AbrahamLincoln, so he got his aides to organize a seance:
"O, great Lincoln, immortal icon of the Republican Party, help me! I am
beset by enemies overseas, hounded by the Liberal Media, criticized even by
members of my own political party. What must I do to get out this hornets'
nest? What's the best decision I could make for the American people?"
And the Shade of Lincoln answered: "Lincoln here. Take it easy, Dubya. You
just need a change of pace. Do what I did. Take a night off and go to the
theatre."
----------------
Sexual connotations -
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time.
Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success.
And as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling
rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her
door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned.
'What was that for?' he asked.
She said 'I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last
night and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for
rooting up against a garden wall'
------------
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls
up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks
inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging
over the bar:
COLD BEER: £2.00
HAMBURGER: £2.25
CHEESEBURGER: £2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £3.50
HAND JOB: £50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary
payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young
lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why
yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers
softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
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