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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 03.02.19 16:26z 266 Lines 8068 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 26338_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 7/1
Path: HB9ON<HB9ON<HB9ON<IW2OHX<I0BLC<GB7CIP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190107/0824Z 26338@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.17
As Grandmother used to say
It will be a cold, snowy winter if squirrels gather huge stores of nuts
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Stories
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A magazine has just published a piece wherein it asked more than
Three dozen popular science fiction and fantasy/horror writers and graphic
Designers to write a very short story. So short, in fact, they could only
Use six words.
Computer, did we bring batteries? Computer?
Eileen Gunn
We kissed. She melted. Mop, please!
James Patrick Kelly
It's behind you! Hurry before it--
Rockne S. O'Bannon
Lie detector eyeglasses perfected: Civilization collapses.
Richard Powers
Don't marry her. Buy a house.
Stephen R. Donaldson
TIME MACHINE REACHES FUTURE! Nobody there....
Harry Harrison
Thought I was right. I wasn't.
Graeme Gibson
Dinosaurs return. Want their oil back.
David Brin
Will this do (lazy writer asked)?
Ken MacLeod
In the beginning was the Word.
John (Gregory Maguire)
====================
A Definitive Guide To Tools
---------------------------
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
As a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
We are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
Cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
Containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
Holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
Mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
Wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
And the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
Future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
They can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
Hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
Objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
Brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
Motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2"
Socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
Metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
Flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
Painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
The workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
Hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after
You have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack
Handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off
A hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
Floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
Spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
Ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
Strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
Disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
Inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
The handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid
From a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
Your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
Light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
Not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's
Main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of
The Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
Misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
Paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
The name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them
off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
----------------
These are "GENUINE" clips from council complaint letters!
I WISH TO COMPLAIN
* It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
* My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?
* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
* 50 percent of the walls are damp, 50 percent have crumbling plaster and
50 percent are plain filthy.
* I still have problem with smoke in my new drawers.
* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is fixed.
* Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and
not fit to drink.
* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.
* This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
get BBC2.
------------------
Of a Sexual Nature
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after
dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and
ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short
lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you
know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"Sex!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where
they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She
walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by
the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's
manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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