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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 03.05.19 08:45z 346 Lines 8732 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 32517_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 3/4
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 190503/0755Z 32517@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
No weather's ill if the wind be still
--------
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
Saturday morning
I got up early quietly dressed made my lunch grabbed the dog and
Slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck and proceeded to back out into a
Torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph so I pulled back into the
Garage turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad
All day.
I went back into the house quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. I
Cuddled up to my wife's back now with a different anticipation and whispered'
The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied 'Can you believe my stupid bloody husband
Is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...
****
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
In bed. I turned to her and said "Do you want to have sex?"
"No" she answered.
I then said"Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time simply saying "Yes."
So I said "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight started ...
****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter for some reason took my
Order first. 'I'll have the strip steak medium rare please.'
He said 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah' I said' she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started ...
****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
Nearby table.
My wife asked 'Do you know her?'
'Yes' I sighed 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife 'Who would think a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight started .
****
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
Happy with what she sees and says to her husband 'I feel horrible I look
Old fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started ...
---
It had been reported that the British Navy intercepted three
boatloads of people off the Northern coast of France.This placed the
Royal Navy in an awkward position as the boats were heading not away
from, but towards France .
Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with senior
British Citizens who were all of pensionable age. Their claim was that
they were trying to get to France so as to be able to return to
Britain as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more
benefits than they were receiving as legitimate British pensioners.
The Royal Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and
assisted them on their journey southward.
We are booking the next boat now, let me know if you want to come
too.
--------
Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote.
------------------
"A Gasoline Substitute"
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment,
a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of gas."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car
and into his gas tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?
The bee answered,.... " BP "
-------------------------
Coarse
Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.
The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way;
it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good," replied the interviewer.
"And now you, sir," he asked the second man. "Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second
man.
"It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clich for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant.
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light.", he said.
Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.
"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea,"
said the Newfie.
"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh, I can explain," said the Newfie, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for
the bathroom.
But, before I could think, blink,or turn on the light, I shit my pants."
He got the job.
-----------
Sexual and coarse language
Traffic cop vs. VIOLATOR !!!
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light.
The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer.
The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry,
sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the citation he puts
an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative
portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points
to the "AH"
and demands to know what it stands for.. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses,
gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court,
I'll remember
you're an arse hole!"
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to
lose his
license and has hired an attorney to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; Officer is this a reasonable facsimile
of the citation you issued my client?
The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine,
same number at the top.
Attorney: Officer , is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't
normally make?
Officer: Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH , underlined.
Attorney: What does the AH stand for, officer?
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"
Attorney: Aggressive and hostile"
Officer: "Yes Sir?
Attorney: Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for arse hole?
Officer: Well Sir, You know your client better than I do !
------------
Hot & Cold Sex
After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man:
'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical
concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am
usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her
the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything
appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual
concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after
having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty
after the second time. Do you know why?'
'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 'That's because the
first time is usually in January, and the second time is in
August.'
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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