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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 02.05.19 08:32z 242 Lines 7092 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 32516_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 2/5
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0OVN<DB0GOS<ON0AR<GB7CIP<ZS0MEE<GB7YEW
Sent: 190502/0816Z 32516@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Every wind has its weather
--------------
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole.His neighbour
looks over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced
youngster was up to,he asks,What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully and I've just buried
him." The neighbour was concerned,That's an awfully big hole
for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth
then replied,That's because he's inside your cat !!
---
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't
You know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention?
What's your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you
No such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
---------------
A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her
Arithmetic classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to
Go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
Butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised
His hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!"
-----------
Humorous Quotes attributed to Jerry Seinfeld
1954- , American Comedian
* A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people
are still thinking.
* According to most studies, people's number one fear is public
speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right?
That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're
better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. (SeinLanguage)
* Father's don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the
same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming. (SeinLanguage)
* First ten years of my life I think the only clear thought that I had
was ... "Get Candy!" (I'm telling you for the last time)
* I don't understand how a woman can take boiling hot wax, pour it on
upper thighs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a
spider. (I'm telling you for the last time)
* No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public.
(I'm telling you for the last time)
* Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
* On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not
attempt to fly!' (I'm telling you for the last time)
* People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
* The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers
laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you
because it's so much fun.
* The Inland Revenue They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
* The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets. He dealt
with it all. He had to, he was Superman. (SeinLanguage)
* The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to
that, the funnier you will be.
* The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a
long, boring story with no point to it, I've got my life. (SeinLanguage)
* The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on
television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see
anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip
crumbs all over their shirt.
* When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman,
Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options. (I'm telling you
for the last time)
* Would you (women) like to know what men are thinking ? The truth ...
the honest truth of what they are thinking ? Nothing !! (I'm telling you for
the last time)
-------------------
This is a true story (apparently!), . . . . .
The Glasgow train from Queen St to Bishopbriggs was very busy.
At the next stop a midget got on, an actual, proper wee dwarf
midget with a Victoria Wines carry-oot bag.
It was quite busy on the train, there was no room for his bag on the
seat beside him, he was looking up at the overhead rack.
A good Samaritan was kind enough to say "Would you like me to
put that up for you mate?"
"Yes please" he said, and it was done.
But it wasn't up right and when the train moved, a half bottle of Vodka
fell out the bag and smashed on the floor.
The midget stood up, his face red with rage, the inspector came along
To see what was going on.
The inspector asked if it was his bag,
The midget says "Aye...and Ah'm no happy !!.
A voice from the back of the carriage shouts out
" Well . . . . . . . which one are you then ?
--------------
Sexual connotations -
------------------
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Collect your pension and enjoy your retirement.
Then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You to college then high school: drink alcohol, party,
and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play,
and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury,
in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap,
and then you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
-----------------
Recovered from the Beijing Olympics.
Refresh your Chinese (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese
That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP ; Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai In Po In
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin In
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Up
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
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