| |
GM3YEW > HUMOUR 30.04.19 05:25z 297 Lines 8336 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 32466_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 30/4
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR1UAW<IK1NHL<CX2SA<GB7CIP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190430/0519Z 32466@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Cloudy mornings turn to clear afternoons
------
In April 2004 the Daily Telegraph ran a competition to provide the best
definition of Englishness. This was the winning entry:
He views the Channel as a trench
Laughs at the Germans, hates the French
Though docile on his starchy diet
He'll rush abroad to quell a riot.
He hates a fuss, seldom complains
Accepts poor service and late trains.
But full of ale there's hell to pay -
Remember that on St George's Day
Whether you are English or not here's to you on Brexit day
---------
Puzzled
-------
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not
Enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with
Her.
We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust, You've Got Mail and The Matrix.
She's still mad at me. What did I do?
----
Haircuts
--------
Woman 1: Did you get a new haircut?
Woman 2: Yes, I did. Thanks for noticing.
W1: Oh! That's so cute!
W2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure after my hairdresser gave me the mirror.
I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
W1: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I
Think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
W2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily
Get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was
Actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long
Neck.
W1: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck!
W2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.
Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short
They are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much
Easier.
MEANWHILE....
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah.
-------
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a
Look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey
Doc, can I ask you a question!?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
Working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his
Hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its
Heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back
In, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such
A small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are
Doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
Mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running"
---------------
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
---------------
The Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals.
-----------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
--------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
-------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled
due to a conflict.
---------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile
at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.
--------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
Obvious pleasure to the congregation.
---------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
Nursery downstairs.
---------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
Help they can get.
-----------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
Transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
Tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
Will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
-------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
Several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
----------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-----------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
-----------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
--------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
----------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
---------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
Across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
Ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
Would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-----------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.
--------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
---------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
Slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours
------------
This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and
suffering that I have seen. It's an explanation other people will
understand.
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard
trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a
good conversation. They talked about so many things and
various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber
said: "I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.
"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God
doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many
sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God
existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine
a loving a God who would allow all of these things."
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because
he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job
and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop,
he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an
untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and un-kept.
The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again
and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here,
and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"
"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they
did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed
beards, like that man outside."
"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come
to me."
"Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist!
What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him.
That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
Read previous mail | Read next mail
| |
