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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 29.04.19 06:33z 346 Lines 9704 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 32437_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 29/4
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0EEO<DB0GOS<ON0AR<GB7CIP<EI2GYB<N9LCF<
NS2B<VA7RBP<GB7YEW
Sent: 190429/0625Z 32437@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When April blows his horn, 'Tis good for both hay and corn
--------
Work
----
A young man was applying for a job in a big company.
"I'm sorry," said the personnel manager, "but the firm is overstaffed; we
have more employees now than we really need."
"That's all right," replied the young man, undiscouraged, "the little bit
of work I do won't be noticed anyway."
-----
Teacher Arrested At Sydney Airport - Held in Isolation.
A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Sydney's Kingsford Smith
Airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of
a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference, an Australian Border Control spokesman said he
believes him to be a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Federal Police
with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra can be a problem for all of us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values. They maintain secrecy by using secret codenames such "X"
and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that
they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country.'
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every
triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said -
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would
have given us more fingers and toes."
........Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
-----
Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want
and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to
be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my
old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......
whether you're here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make
amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and
the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the
phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He
is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six"
in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of
Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts
right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man
realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM
for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the
first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00
AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece.
-------
Ageing
------
You know you're over 50 when you start looking forward to quiet evenings at
home.
--------
An Aberdeen man was heading out to the pub and turned to his wee wife
before leaving "Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie".
"Awe John that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?". "No just
switching the central heating off whilst I'm oot"
The first people in the country to have double glazing were the
Aberdonians so their kids couldn't hear the ice cream vans.
How many Aberdonians does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! it's no that dark!
Have you heard about the lecherous Aberdonian who lured a girl up
to his attic to see his etchings? He sold her four of them.
An Aberdonian took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi.
She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter
A suicidal Aberdonian went next door to his neighbour's house to
gas himself.
A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to
tell all his friends at once so she goes to the Aberdeen Evening
Express and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"
The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many
words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the
old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the
man reads
"Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages
the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and
then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again.
The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Kincorth deid. Ford Escort for
sale"
-------------------
IRISH HUMOR
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other
five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to
tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to
come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
---------------
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
side either.'
----------------
Sexual connotations-
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up..
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 80-year-old said,
Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a
hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it
at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped
a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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