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Subj: Jokes 6/1
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Sent: 190106/0724Z @:GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO #:26307 BPQ6.0.17
As Grandmother used to say
The north wind has no corn and a poor man no friend
----
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
In a garage makes you a car.
---------
From a book "Little Wonders By Mary Hollingsworth" with stories about
and writings by children. ?
The following was contributed by Todd and Jedd Hafer.
One of our favourite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do more
than baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their
time in our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid
background in biblical history. At the end of each year we give them
pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned.
This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses.
In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history let our junior church
students help you with this complete overview of the Bible compiled
from their essays:
In the beginning which occurred near the start there was nothing but god
darkness and some gas. The Bible says 'The Lord thy God is one' but I
think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway God said' Give me a light!'
and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam
and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple so they were driven
from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though
because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son Cain who hated his brother as long as he was
Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off except for
Methuselah who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah who was a good guy but
one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him
but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham Isaac and Jacob. Jacob was more famous
than his brother Esau because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange
for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really
loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.? These plagues
included frogs mice lice bowels and no cable. God fed the Israel lights
every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten Commandments.
These include don't lie cheat smoke dance or covet your neighbour's bottom
(the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my
Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh yeah I just
thought of one more: Humour they father and they mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies.? Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.
My teacher says he was wise but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After
Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed
up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets but I guess we don't have to worry
about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New
Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a
barn too because my mom is always saying to me 'Close the door! Were you born
in a
barn' It would be nice to say 'As a matter of fact I was.')
During His life Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and
the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas
Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial
before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his
hands
instead.
AnywayJesus died for our sins then came back to life again. He went up to
Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in
the book of
Revolution.
--------------
Why We Love Children
* * * *
A nursery school pupil told his teacher He'd found a cat but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" She asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" Answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise."You know" explained
the boy"I leaned over and went "Pssst" and it didn't move"
* * * *
An exasperated motherWhose son was always getting into mischief Finally asked
him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said "Well I'll run in and out and in and out
And keep slamming the door until St Peter says"For Heaven's sake Dylan come in
or stay out!"
* * * *
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
A mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he
Asked with a tremor in his voice"Mummywill you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear" she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice "The big sissy."
* * * *
It was that time during the Sunday morning servicefor the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress
andas she sat down the minister leaned over and said"That is a very pretty
dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied directly into the minister's clip-on microphone"Yes and
my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."
* * * *
When I was six months pregnant with my third childmy three year old came I
not the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said "Mummyyou are getting fat!"
I replied"Yes honey remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know" she replied but what's growing in your bum?"
* * * *
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer.
She read"....
and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said "The sky is
falling the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class"And what do you think
that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said"I think he said "Holy Sh**!
A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next
10 minutes.
* * * *
A certain little girl when asked her name would reply I'm Mr Sugarbrown's
daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong she must say "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday Schooland said "Aren't you Mr
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied "I thought I was but mother says I'm not."
* * * *
A little girl asked her mother"Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied "No you can't play with the boys they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked If I can find
a smooth one can I play with him?"
-------------
Virus Alert
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically orally and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleaguesyour boss or anyone else
via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good
friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).
The quickest acting WINE type is called
Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only
available for those who can afford it the next best equivalent is
Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until
WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have
already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is
DEADLY(Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).
Update 05-05-05: After extensive testing it has been concluded that
Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may
require a more generous application
--------------
"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?" a woman asked her husband.
"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smileunbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her
blouseand
slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a softsilky push-up braand
pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?" she then asked her husband?
"NonoI haven't" he said (with an anxious catch in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smilepulled up her skirtand seductively
reached into her tightsheer panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
He took the crumpled fifty pound noteand started breathing a little quicker
with anticipation.
"Now" she said. "Have you ever seen £10000 all crumpled up?"
"Nonever" he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited).
"Well go and look in the garage!" she said.
-----------
THE CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL This would be an acceptable reason
to laugh at a funeral...
A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by
the hospital where he had worked for most of his life.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as
all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy the heart opened and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closeds ealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him he said "I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my
own funeral? I'm a gynaecologist."
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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