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GM3YEW > HUMOUR 03.02.19 07:24z 311 Lines 7468 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 27679_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 3/2
Path: HB9ON<IW2OHX<IR2UBX<DB0RES<DB0ERF<OK0NAG<IK6ZDE<F6IQF<IW0QNL<VE2PKT<
ZL2BAU<GB7YEW
Sent: 190203/0714Z 27679@GB7YEW.GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO BPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
Snow is due when the cat washes behind both ears
------
Heaven
------
I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, not by the
beauty of it all, by the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp-- the thieves,
The liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on
Cloud nine, looking incredibly well.
I nudged the angel, "What's the deal? I would love to hear your take. How'd
All these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake. And why's
Everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."
"Hush, child," said he. "They're all in shock. No one thought they'd see you."
Objects
-------
All objects in the world can be placed into one of two categories:
1. Things that need to be fixed,
2. Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to
Play with them.
Riddles
-------
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull
A: A bull-dozer.
Q: What do you call a cow with no front legs?
A: Lean Beef
Q: What do you call a bull with no legs at all?
A: Ground beef
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
A: Udder drag
Q: What do u call a cow that can't produce milk?
A: An udder failure
Q: What do cows do for entertainment?
A: Go to moo-vies.
Q: What band is a cow favourite?
A: Moody Blues
Q. What happens when a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows?
A. Udder destruction!
5 Bulls
-------
Have you heard about the five young bulls who were standing in the pasture
Discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up?
The first said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull.
The second said he wanted to go to New York and become a bull on Wall
Street.
The third wanted to go to the windy city to become a Chicago Bull.
The fourth said he wanted to go to Beijing and be a bull in a China shop.
The fifth said he was just going to stay in the pasture for heifer and
heifer and heifer.
Bicycle Accidents
-----------------
In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy,
It was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work.
So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic
accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary, "Soldiers shall
no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle."
Science From The Eyes of 5th and 6th Graders
--------------------------------------------
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and
you sit on the bottom.
A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing it
through an aviator.
The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.
It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun but I never have
been able to make out the numbers.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting.
When people do it, we say they are crazy.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the victim is dead.
Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top
and plural at the bottom.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you
should.
Water vapour gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be
called a drop, it does.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the centre of the Earth
because so many people are stomping around there these days.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets
blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If
You don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
-------------
Enjoy! A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night's
sleep.
NEW Wine for Seniors, I kid you not.....
Clare Valley vintners in South Australia, which primarily produce Pinot
Blanc,
Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make
to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it!
--------
COARSE LANGUAGE
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he
agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars
that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be
happy about it!'
I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
73 de dave
gm3yew@gb7yew
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